How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
