Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
