just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
