Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
