There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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