So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
