I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
