I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
