I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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