True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
