your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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