I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
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