remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize