can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
So squirting runs in the family.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
