No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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