Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
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I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
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