What did we do last night that was yellow?
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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