Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Randomize
