my phone needs a breathalizer
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize