new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
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