I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
