I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
