Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
