found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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