I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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