I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
