I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Randomize
