you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
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