I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Randomize
