walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Randomize
