Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
