So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Randomize
