you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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