I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Randomize
