found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
