There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
