i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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