Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
