he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Randomize
