Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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