I'm drive I can fine osifer
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Randomize
