I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
