I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
