New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Randomize
