..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
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He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
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Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
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