You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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