I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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