Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
