That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I think my vagina is haunted
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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