would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
